I wrote ‘Remain‘ on my wrist again yesterday. My husband saw it and was confused. “I thought you had a good day,” he said. But having a good day doing nothing to make me feel worthwhile. I still feel like a dim shade of grey. Wearing colours feels confusing somehow. The new growth of Spring seems to mock me with its burgeoning hope.
I feel like I’ve been smiling and surface-level enjoying things, but there is still this crazy deep hollow inside of me. I don’t know how to fill it. And I feel like it shouldn’t be there, this lack, this void.
“Press into God” is the obvious platitude, but I don’t know how God feels about this. I don’t think Divine Love created me, designed me to crave death. What about to crave resurrection? Redemption of this life? That’s something I could wish for, but I don’t know how to hope for it, it has the potential to break me in my entirety.
But isn’t that what God promises? That all creation will be redeemed? That there will be a new earth, new life? No longer bound by death and decay. Does that mean a body that will bring me joy instead of pain? Does that mean a mind that doesn’t continually try to offer suicide as a solution?
It feels risky, dangerous to hope for these things. But what if it’s true?
Can I lean into this because it pulls me closer to the promise of resurrection? Can I choose to view this as not a yearning for death, but a yearning for the resurrection which comes after? Will I, can I, trust God with this? That death wouldn’t just mean being out of here and into God, but that it will also be into new life, the resurrection. Can I use my suicidal brain to continually be transformed to Christ’s death (see Philippians 3:10), that I might see through the now to the not yet of the resurrection? Can I use my suicidal ideations, those ideas which I have determined not to act on, can I use them to remind myself I am living in the not yet? That the newness of the resurrection is coming? Can I cling to Christ in this shadow of death and see the resurrection of Easter morning and not the death of the Friday before?
I feel like I might be getting somewhere with this. Not shying away from the idea of suicide, but taking it captive to perform the work of God (see 2 Corinthians 10:5).
My suicidal brain highlights my soul’s longing for God’s complete and full resurrection, for all of creation to be transformed. I am groaning with it as we wait.