I’ve spent hours over the last few weeks wanting and daydreaming about knitting and sewing, the dream that I have let go. Such an obvious piece of procrastination, why haven’t I noticed it so easily before? I need to find some balance of regular doses of creating along with my main PhD work so I don’t feel like I’m deprived and need to binge. It sounds like I’m addicted. Maybe I am. Even if I’m not pursuing it as a career anymore, it’s still a part of who I am, I don’t have to completely dismiss it, do I?
If we have a creative God, then surely my own creativity is good, to be encouraged, a reflection of God?
Or maybe not if I’m doing it against what God has asked me to do.
It’s hard to let go of something that has been part of my life, part of my dreams for my life, for so long. I don’t want all those years of training and practice to be wasted, I want them to be used in some form, somehow.
This isn’t letting go. This is still grounding hope in my own dreams, when God has asked me to invest in other dreams, other directions.
If I could only see what the future looked like, I could see if it is worth holding on to or what letting go will give room for.
Or I could just trust.
Trust the God who can see the future, who has asked me to let go.
Well, that makes it simple, doesn’t it.
Simple, not easy.
Okay, God, a revised prayer: help me trust. Help me trust that You will give me joy in this new life you are leading me towards.
Changing thought patterns is hard work. I keep automatically reverting back to old patterns of being, patterns of dreaming, old mindsets and habits. I have to keep changing them again and again to the new ones I actually want to be living.
So where does that leave my creating? Relegated to a hobby, like my parents always advised? Ooooo the rebel in me doesn’t like that. So where is the balance? Not dreaming, not planning, there is no future career here for me, but I need to have some kind of regular hobby action to keep me from craving or binging, small and controlled doses.
Gosh, that really makes me sound like I am addicted to my own creative pursuits. Maybe I am.
My parents sought financial stability, being sure this was a way to give our lives security. If you have money, then there is room for other pursuits, whatever they might be, you can live freely without worrying about the roof over your head or the next meal. So they encouraged creative pursuits, but only as hobbies. The unpredictability of the finances that comes with a creative career went against their desire for financial stability, and their desire for us kids to be financially stable, and therefore secure.
But my security in is God, not my bank account or the job I don’t have. If I can trust God to supply all I need (see Matthew 6:26), then I don’t need to seek out a secure job, or a tidy pay packet, or even a financially secure career. All I need to do is be faithful to what God has asked me to do, to trust that this path I am being led down is secure and that whatever happens, all we need will be provided.
It’s a bit scary being the one responsible for providing for my family’s needs.
But hang on, it’s not me providing, it’s God.
All I’m doing is the next step in the right direction, keeping faithful to what God asks of me.
Some days it really is that simple.
Other days I complicate it, putting myself where only God should be. I need to keep relocating myself back into the position of God’s servant, doing what I am told, trusting God’s plan and God’s provision for me and mine.
I keep trying to look ahead and make plans, to find some way to make this crazy journey work out to security. But I don’t need the kind of security I’ve been trained to seek, I have all the security I need in God.
Somehow this PhD in psychology, this being faithful in my writing, this letting go of what I had wanted in a career for so long, somehow God will use them for good (see Romans 8:28). I don’t know what form they will eventually take, but I trust the promise of God that these things will be used for good, and that it doesn’t matter if it’s my good or someone else’s.
A reassessment of my focus, something I need to keep doing. The creative work is part of it, because that’s who God has made me to be and what God has asked me to do, but that is not my focus. God is my focus. The rest is minor details.